Honetsly, the reason I kicked you was because I check all out and couldn't remember anything about you except that you had been on my flist for quite some time.

You're sweet. :)

I know all about being annyoing or thiking that I am annoying. The thing is, you shouldn't be scared of yourself. I know all about this.. I'm there all the time. I constantly anaylys it all and I knwo it is not the way to go, because you end up questioning to much. Maybe I'm totally on the wrong track here. *g*

The thing is, if you want to get to know me... I'm here.
Also, if you want to be on this flist really, I will readd you.

I just think it needs to be a give and take. There are a lot of people who are just feeding of people. they friend you just so you comment in TH_EIR journal. And I don't think ti works like that. I want to know the people on my flist and I want them to know me. I just don't think it should work any other way.

I know all about being annyoing or thiking that I am annoying. The thing is, you shouldn't be scared of yourself. I know all about this.. I'm there all the time. I constantly anaylys it all and I knwo it is not the way to go, because you end up questioning to much. Maybe I'm totally on the wrong track here. *g*

Aww, first of all lemme say thank you for being so gracious and kind. It's so generous to be so friendly when you don't even know me. And yes you are *DEFINITELY* on the right track there. I'm terrified of myself. I'm constantly second-guessing and scrutinizing in my head, but honestly most of the doubts and insecurities I have have been confirmed to be true by more than one person on more than one occasion. So after awhile I got to a point where I didn't want to be such a negative presence to people. I look around my flist sometimes and I'm in awe of the brilliance. You guys are so amazing and just overflowing with wit, depth and insights I just know I'm not capable of. I mean from writers to artists to just massive genuises you're all incredible and I know I'm just completely inferior with nothing to offer or contribute of any value. And I know that it's very selfish of me to read and enjoy all the journals as much as I do. I should've probably deleted my LJ long ago but honestly you have no idea how much reading my flist everyday means to me.

In my life my interests, quirks, sense of humor, and just overall personality has been ridiculed and belittled by most of my family and friends. I was always identified as "lame" or "weird". Deficient in some way because I loved what I loved. For me it's always been any type of art, you name it movies, music, tv, actors and now computer graphics and I'm just a big, giddy fangirl geek. Only now I wear that hat with pride. Because I discovered all these awesome people who shared my passions and are the most interesting, extraordinary group I've ever known and not in any way wrong or strange as I had been made to feel.

The more I'm blessed to learn about everyone the more I'm so inspired (and sometimes comforted) by how strong and brave everyone is. And how much wisdom and spirit you have. I've learned and grown so much from all of you. You've even given me a sense of peace with myself I didn't think I'd have before. To share joy and excitement (even from my wallflower-lurker sidelines) with other people over things that noone else I know would understand or appreciate, let alone have so much fun with. When there's a new episode, or a clever inside joke, or a fantastic new fic, or some cool new icons. The simplest and probably most meaningful aspect of it all is that it just makes me (and I think probably others) feel less alone. In infinite cyberspace, how ironic is that?

*hugz*

I totally understand where you're coming from. The thing is, hiding out because you are scared what other people think of you is totally the wrong thing. Cos it will only make you more fucked up cos you cannto learnt o deal with people. You need to face your faults and worik on them, but you can only work on them by engaging in relationships.

I, for instance, am very self-absorbed. It doesn't show so much cos I fight the urge like crazy. But sometimes in conversation I get side-tracked, I interrupt people loads when I have ideas. But I don't do it on purpose.

I got into the internet when I was 16. I think the internet can be really dangerous. Fandom and fanfiction, for ages, was my escape. My sort of refugee. I don't regret it, but it isn't healthy. I guess I'm lucky my Dad forced me to go out. Seriously. I think the fact that your family isn't so supportive of you is sad. I mean, I don't know about your circumstances, but I do know that belitteling interests because one doesn't understand or doesn't like them is wrong. I mean, my Dad teased my all-right, but he never told me it is wrong to do it. It's just an interest, or an opinion.

And it isn't selfish to read journals and enjoy them. I did it for years, believe me. It is just that I think the reason for not participating shouln't be the fact that you think people might not like you.

And you should delete your lj if it is somethign you enjoy. cos that is primarily what fic and lj is there for.to enjoy it. Just tell yourself. you are not deficient cos you like other things, just like agay person isn't somehow bilogically wrong or deficiant for being gay. It's all variety and that's the way it is supposed to be.

And yes, you are NOT alone :)

The thing is, if you want to get to know me... I'm here.
Also, if you want to be on this flist really, I will readd you.

I just think it needs to be a give and take. There are a lot of people who are just feeding of people. they friend you just so you comment in TH_EIR journal. And I don't think ti works like that. I want to know the people on my flist and I want them to know me. I just don't think it should work any other way.

Of course I would love to get to know you, very much. And you're absolutely right it should be reciprocal, otherwise there's really no point. One of the most beautiful things about LJ is besides being a place for squee-age and discussion rather than being focused on a specific fandom like a message board it's more focused on a specific person . A unique individual you can get to know better. And in many cases develop a wonderful friendship that transcends a mutual appreciation for a show or actor. I mean in the end after the shows are over and actors um, retire isn't that what makes the whole experience worthwhile? And I'm learning that it can't be done from the sidelines. If it's ok with you, I'd really like to comment more here -as long as you promise to smack me upside the head if I'm bothering you. That way I won't have to worry as much *smacks head*

I'm so unbelievably sorry for this insufferably long comment. I guess I had a lot of stuff to say that had been inside for awhile and I forgot other people would have to scroll past this. If you want me to delete this I will, if you've actually read this far you're the most patient & tolerant person on the planet and bless you!

Oh and one last thing (promise) I would never expect you to comment in *MY* journal. Or feel insulted in any way if you didn't, you're not obligated to even read my journal let alone comment in it. 200 journals is huge and unless you're Clark Kent there's no way you could read and respond to all that and still eat and sleep not mention have that mysterious thing known as a RL. And all the time, energy and work you put into your own journal which we're all so fortunate to benefit from. Personally I'm just so touched someone like you would even consider me worthy of "friend" status. And for someone like me that's so special and more than enough.

I guess the ting is, that lj is in a way a personal space. It is harder to work ll because you get the personality with the content and people are less likely to enter the room of another person. I guess in a way you share a part of yourself. My posts are largely impersonal, but I do have posts that are extremely personal on occasion and I guess I'm paranoid, cos I wanna know who is reading those posts. And I want to get to know the people who do. I know a lot of people don`t agree much, but I cannot not do it. That why I don't like friending icon journals. It doesn't let me know the person, just a product said person is producing.

Noone says you have to participate, but people won't really care much for you if you don't make an effort. Like in real live relationships take work and it sucks... but that is as it is here too.

And just know this... I can only say this for myself, but I think I speek for everyone when I say this. Every comment, every word, every written feedback or whatever, makes me squeee..makes me feel appreciated and warm.

And I don't mind. :)