I know all about being annyoing or thiking that I am annoying. The thing is, you shouldn't be scared of yourself. I know all about this.. I'm there all the time. I constantly anaylys it all and I knwo it is not the way to go, because you end up questioning to much. Maybe I'm totally on the wrong track here. *g*

Aww, first of all lemme say thank you for being so gracious and kind. It's so generous to be so friendly when you don't even know me. And yes you are *DEFINITELY* on the right track there. I'm terrified of myself. I'm constantly second-guessing and scrutinizing in my head, but honestly most of the doubts and insecurities I have have been confirmed to be true by more than one person on more than one occasion. So after awhile I got to a point where I didn't want to be such a negative presence to people. I look around my flist sometimes and I'm in awe of the brilliance. You guys are so amazing and just overflowing with wit, depth and insights I just know I'm not capable of. I mean from writers to artists to just massive genuises you're all incredible and I know I'm just completely inferior with nothing to offer or contribute of any value. And I know that it's very selfish of me to read and enjoy all the journals as much as I do. I should've probably deleted my LJ long ago but honestly you have no idea how much reading my flist everyday means to me.

In my life my interests, quirks, sense of humor, and just overall personality has been ridiculed and belittled by most of my family and friends. I was always identified as "lame" or "weird". Deficient in some way because I loved what I loved. For me it's always been any type of art, you name it movies, music, tv, actors and now computer graphics and I'm just a big, giddy fangirl geek. Only now I wear that hat with pride. Because I discovered all these awesome people who shared my passions and are the most interesting, extraordinary group I've ever known and not in any way wrong or strange as I had been made to feel.

The more I'm blessed to learn about everyone the more I'm so inspired (and sometimes comforted) by how strong and brave everyone is. And how much wisdom and spirit you have. I've learned and grown so much from all of you. You've even given me a sense of peace with myself I didn't think I'd have before. To share joy and excitement (even from my wallflower-lurker sidelines) with other people over things that noone else I know would understand or appreciate, let alone have so much fun with. When there's a new episode, or a clever inside joke, or a fantastic new fic, or some cool new icons. The simplest and probably most meaningful aspect of it all is that it just makes me (and I think probably others) feel less alone. In infinite cyberspace, how ironic is that?

*hugz*

I totally understand where you're coming from. The thing is, hiding out because you are scared what other people think of you is totally the wrong thing. Cos it will only make you more fucked up cos you cannto learnt o deal with people. You need to face your faults and worik on them, but you can only work on them by engaging in relationships.

I, for instance, am very self-absorbed. It doesn't show so much cos I fight the urge like crazy. But sometimes in conversation I get side-tracked, I interrupt people loads when I have ideas. But I don't do it on purpose.

I got into the internet when I was 16. I think the internet can be really dangerous. Fandom and fanfiction, for ages, was my escape. My sort of refugee. I don't regret it, but it isn't healthy. I guess I'm lucky my Dad forced me to go out. Seriously. I think the fact that your family isn't so supportive of you is sad. I mean, I don't know about your circumstances, but I do know that belitteling interests because one doesn't understand or doesn't like them is wrong. I mean, my Dad teased my all-right, but he never told me it is wrong to do it. It's just an interest, or an opinion.

And it isn't selfish to read journals and enjoy them. I did it for years, believe me. It is just that I think the reason for not participating shouln't be the fact that you think people might not like you.

And you should delete your lj if it is somethign you enjoy. cos that is primarily what fic and lj is there for.to enjoy it. Just tell yourself. you are not deficient cos you like other things, just like agay person isn't somehow bilogically wrong or deficiant for being gay. It's all variety and that's the way it is supposed to be.

And yes, you are NOT alone :)